Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
guilty
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
this chia pet tastes awful
[shakes fist at other fist]
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
oh shit
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
the battle rages on
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”