I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
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I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.