I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
You Might Also Like
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Wait a second…