When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
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I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Breaking news:
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning