I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.