Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
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The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.