‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
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OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.