There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
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What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses