Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
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Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
who wants to go expliring
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.