i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
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Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.