They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
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Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.