Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
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Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I’ve been learning to cook.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…