Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
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everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE