If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
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He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish