Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness