How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
c’mon!
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.