some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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How dude HOW?!
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
friend: man, I honestly don鈥檛 believe she鈥檇 cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can鈥檛 keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can鈥檛 believe he did it. I wasn鈥檛 even sick.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that鈥檚 what he said
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you鈥檝e reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 馃檪
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
鈥ar dealerships
鈥ynecologists
鈥hildren鈥檚 birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
鈥ail salons
鈥ork meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
鈥aby showers
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
of course i鈥檓 gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what鈥檚 the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that鈥檚 impractical, i would look like a fool