Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
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deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Watson was Holmes schooled