e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I have never related to a cat more
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.