The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
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what?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
yeah no that’s fair
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Lmao
Probably my best painting.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”