I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!