me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
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I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?