When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
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My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Adultry does not sound fun at all
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.