GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
You Might Also Like
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
This is a sub tweet
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I put the mess in domestic.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.