Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Natural selection at its finest
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Thoughts