Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
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I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Quadruple digit IQ
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
❤️❤️❤️
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.