Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
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Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Spider-cat: No One Home
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
How wrong was this guy?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Goat cheese is for herders.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.