That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?