My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
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While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children