me after eating Cheetos
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*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Sometimes? I鈥檓 slipping
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I鈥檓 at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 馃槀
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Ros茅 all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Brilliant!
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
It鈥檚 bullshit that Popeyes doesn鈥檛 sell spinach salad
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
To make sure I don鈥檛 cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that鈥檚 all I want to talk about with women now.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.