Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
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For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”