YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
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[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
it must be school picture day
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Hello Twits.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
every single time
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money