i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
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Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
☺️
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send