Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
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I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Peace was never an option