*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Big Sex has us all fooled
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
me before I type out affect or effect
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.