Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
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6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.