“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
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I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems