I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
You Might Also Like
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
what day is it?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.