I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Tremendous stuff
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.