Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
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welcome back
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
WWE is French for “yes”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Brother?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.