*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
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Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
sin harder.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.