“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
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Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.