Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys