At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
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As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout