Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
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Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
If only.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.