[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
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Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Terribly Tuesday.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.