This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
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You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Put the is in disheveled
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii