Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
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Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here