It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
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The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[montage of me giving-up]
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
it’s finally my moment to shine