I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
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Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.